dear,again i think i stepped into the circle,losing appetite for almost everything in this cold winter with deathly stillness. i dont need anything except for the happiness and passion what i have been eagering for so desperately and what is so out of my reach.
im kinda tired of spending days in the same way,i think somewhere in my heart,im looking for tremendous changes,i mean,really big changes making me become a totally different person,i dont care whether it is a hideous or rediculous one,i just know,i want it so badly. i need renascence!
im so reluctant to talk to people,conversation is redundant and tedious for me. only by reading does myself feel satisfied,but meanwhile,i hate such myself doing reading all the time, which makes me totally a boring person to others. nobody gonna like me,whose face lacking of expressions,words exhausted. besides,those books,films too, make me a thinker,but, indeed do not make me happy. i mean,the price of getting close to one's heart is being driven away from the crowd. and the only way for one to be a part of the crowd is to bury individual. that's what im not prepared to pay.
music is a good thing,softly solace my soul on the life-running road, as i might told you,those extreme music do not fit for who i am now,they fill me up in fantasy,build me up and make me seem to be a formidable one.but,inside im so vulnerable that once get out of that world, i collaps in reality in a twinkling of an eye, rotting, fading, dying. such story sounds like an inevitable tragedy haunting me.
the most terrible thing to be heard might be that i dont care about my life at all.i admire those lose life in a golden age in peace.leaving this world is such an amazing thing to me,you see,all the pains stop at that moment,i finally can be relieved! i get what i have been chasing for all my life only at the moment life terminates. how ironical it could be!
dear,can i be honest to both of us as those words might not be sweet to you? it's you who lead me out of the world where i've been stayed and show me the reality,the shattered reality. it's you who told me:dont live in your little princess dream any more,kid. it's you who make me realize i've drowsed a while and nearly got abandoned.anyway,sooner or later,someone gonna tell me and show me the same,it's just a matter of time.all that is a cruel devil with a sweet appearance, with me, on the same orbit,being doomed to meet.
there are two sayings have been swirling in my mind:
i feel that i've done something in my life too early,and others too late.
sometimes only by losing,we know what we are having.
yes, by losing...only by losing...